Good News, Bad News

My mother's nephew (well, we kind of are not in good terms so I call him that) had a baby boy last September 2, 2005. I don't have anything against the baby though. A*holeness doesn't pass through blood and genes... hopefully. =) Welcome to the world, Sandro! ^__^

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Haaay. Speaking of the world, bruhilda talaga si Gloria. I was aghast when I heard from the television that she's talking about our OIL PROBLEM being stable and all and since that is so, we are NOT IN ANY IMMINENT DANGER of going bankrupt. SO WE SHOULD REALLY TRY AND HELP THE UNITED STATES. Huwaaat??!!?!?! Well, I can understand that hurricane really did great damage on the southern part of US (particularly New Orleans). But I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND that the Philippines still looks more worse for wear than the hurricane-devastated America, no matter how you put it. Even if you tell me that our economy's stable (my ass) and that the oil prices are of no matter (their asses).

I don’t want to sound insensitive or anything, because I’m not. I was also very sorry that happened to the people there and was concerned for their safety. But I am also not insensitive to MY COUNTRY’S NEEDS, and right now there are more people starving here than the United States and Canada and Europe combined. So a BIG, BIG pox to you, Gloria. Matakot ka sa ginagawa mo. Wag kang masyadong magpalakas sa mga Kano. Because in the end, it’s the Filipino people (and ultimately God) who will decide your fate.

It’s really hurtful to see people who LIVE in your country and call themselves FILIPINO but CARE and THINK more of OTHER COUNTRIES' WELFARE and GAIN. Haaaay. Hindi natin sila Big Brother, please. More like Big Pretenders. >(

*This is one of the few topics that can reel me in to write on my blog nowadays. Medyo kasi toxic ako ngayon na hindi… just enough to give me time to sleep and think of my self for a few hours. =)

Love Actually...?

Sinusundan ako ni Baste. =) He's in Blogspot now. *claps gleefully*

Hehehehe, pasensya na sa aking malaking ilusyon. Wala kasi akong lovelife ngayon. Kaya't pinagkakasya ko na lang sa pantasya ko kay Baste a.k.a "Dream Boy."

Nakita ko ulit siya sa TRP at medyo lang namang kinikilig ako. =) But enough about him. It's already giving me the creeps that I can be such a STALKER. At gusto ko pang dumating ang panahon na pag nagkakilala na kami, ^__^ ay hindi ako mahihiya sa sarili ko na kausapin siya dahil sa mga pinagsusulat-sulat ko dito. At pag mabasa man niya ito, hindi siya matatakot sa akin. =)

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A friend asked me, how do I know that I'm not in love anymore. Well, here were my answers:

1. I am not 'aware' of him anymore.
2. It doesn't hurt anymore when I think of him or of what happened between us. I actually cringe of embarassment and laugh about it.
3. There's none of the 'hair raising, goose bumpy, hypersensitive' feelings anymore when I see him.
4. I don't really care THAT MUCH what happens with his life now.

It's actually good to face such questions again because you get to remind yourself where you stand and why you chose such decisions that lead you to where you are now.

I guess I would still care what happens to him, not just EVERYTHING that happens to him. After all, I once loved the guy. My feelings weren't just some sticker one can strip off and there wouldn't be a single trace that it ever got stuck. I know he would always have a small place in my heart. It just wouldn't be a vital one. =)

Eeeyuch. Sorry, that was a lot of cheese. I just don't know how else to convey it. *_*

I'm curious as to whether it IS the same or different for each case of said endings ^__^ : How do YOU know that you're not in love with a person anymore? =)

Brownies

Have you ever had that feeling that you want to temporarily disconnect yourself from the world? That you just want no contact, no information, no idea what's happening outside other than in the sanctuary of your own room? This was what I did when God granted us a month-long sembreak. I just wanted to lock myself in a box. Not the type that they lower to the ground 6 feet below, but a very comfortable one: with a tv, a bed with cushions and lots of pillows, a dvd player, two electric fans, non-toxic books I can read, and an occassional airconditioner. It actually felt good to sleep whenever I wanted to. And it was de-stressing not to think of what to post in my blog, and if I should answer emails or not, plus the bonus of not having a load which prevented me from communicating even if I wanted too. Total seclusion. Monk-like, hermitty, St. Beneditine-ish, however you want describe it. Without the bouts of boredom and the hard rocks to sit on and the silence that can sometimes drive you to jump off a tree.

Regrets can come after such luxury. I miss my friends.

Mga Singit

Isa sa mga pinakaka-ayaw ko ay ang mga singit na hindi marunong PUMILA. Syet. Sorry at ang aking bagong entry ay tungkol pa sa mga bwisit na nilalang na ito. I'm here at myPad, typing this away because I am PISSED. To give you an idea, I was so pissed off I was giving murderous looks and really contemplating of tripping this big HADHAD should she make a mistake of coming too close to Bitchy ME.

I was waiting for my turn to use one of the PCs when I saw her let her friend (who came in AFTER I did) use her computer. I thought that was the end of that insult but NO! After another customer logged off, she immediately grabbed the spot and said "KANINA PA AKO DITO EH." Paking nang shwangit nyang ina. I know my face was already contorted and ready to tear off any part of her that comes within inches of me because the myPad personnel was close to sweating his brains out how to pacify me.

Why didn't I make a scene? I really wish I had but since the personnel turned chicken on me, I didn't think it would make much of a difference anymore. Unless I disembowel her AND him but that would only ban me here and that's not what I want, IN THE LONG RUN.

Hay nako. Masisira lang ang byuti ko dito kaya't wag nang pansinin. Next time that happens, well, I won't be responsible for where their heads will turn up.

On another note....

May Mister at Miss Med poll kami online. Pina-alala ni Robert na kailangan na naming bumoto (which reminds me, gotta vote!) at sinabi rin niya kung sinu-sino ang mga leading sa botohan: si CSTGTRC (na Hovering na ang bagong a.k.a) sa mga lalaki at si Dalagang Pilipina sa mga babae. Naisip ko na kaagad na si Marlon ang iboto dahil may itsura naman talaga yung tao. =) Syempre, lapit itong si Hovering tapos sabi: Uy Mean ha, wag nyo akong bobotohin. HALLER!!!!!!! HINDI KO SIYA SINAGOT. AHAHAHAHAHA. Kasi kung magta-transform ako into a mean MEAN GIRL, eh ang sagot ko (with matching raised right eyebrow): HINDI NAMAN IKAW ANG BALAK KONG IBOTO EH. MWAHAHAHA. >D

Bwisit talaga ang mga singit. (na Hovering na ang bagong a.k.a)

Reunion

We had a just-cousins reunion last Friday night because Ate Winnie got back from the States. It was fun, especially that my former you're-just-kids-so-we-won't-waste-time-on-you cousins had a big reversal on their attitudes. They're more accomodating, less 'high and mighty' and acted more like our cousins than "the popular kids." =) There was Tequila, beer, Red Horse (which reminded everybody of Feng Shui) and the Bacardi rum that our other cousin John gave Ate Winnie as pasalubong for everybody. Topics ranged from John's new girlfriend, which we all teritorially didn't approve of (it was an almost-all girls drinking spree), to how everybody's life are, to taking pictures of us proudly holding up ourselves and the alcohol bottles. We also felt the earthquake, were it had us all thinking "I can't be drunk already!"

It was a proud moment, for everybody and especially for me, since I didn't get drunk, AT ALL - just tipsy, and we already finished a 500 ml tequila bottle plus drank half of the Bacardi, which was 151% proof. The latter was the most feared because of the alcohol content with the warning label of "Do not smoke when drinking this. Flammable." Real potent. Everybody hated it, naturally, but I LUV rum, so it was chicken feed for me (as how Ate Winnie would put it). =D Auntie Mimba called from the States and we requested to wake John up (it was only 7am their time and 11pm here) and we
"soaped" him real good for not answering our emails. And ofcourse, we bragged about still standing after drinking that Bacardi which John, of Irish-Scottish-Filipino descent who drinks alcohol like water, regards it as the worst of them all.

Before, I dread coming to such gatherings because we all can't seem to find any common ground. The cousins don't really talk like we are cousins and the older ones just spend time with their age group while the younger gens tend to get left out and fend for ourselves. But after my Lola died, it somehow 'rocked' the forged and foregone ideas of everyone on everyone and it started people realizing that we better start treating others as relatives rather than distant acquaintances. Sometimes, natural calamities have to happen in order to bring people closer. =)

A Break From Hell Weeks

I bought an organizer today. It felt like my world’s back on its axis again. I wish I can stick to my newly listed ‘lists’ and not have those increasingly frequent potent attacks of laziness I’ve had this past semester. My grades were appalling, to say the least. But I actually expected worse, as I always have. So I was a little revealed relieved. (I’m beginning to turn dyslexic. Gahd.)

Speaking of abnormalities, I’ve started reading romance pocketbooks again (hindi ito yung abnormality na tinutukoy ko =P) and what was surprising and slightly disturbing was that I was reading it like I was reading my transcriptions. As in "IN PASSING" or, in other words, "SPEED READING". ACK!!! Ano na ito?? Nasanay na ata ako na kina-cram ang aking mga binabasa. This is not good. I need to enjoy my time with detoxifying text and not rush myself (because I have 4 more pocketbooks to finish =D).

And she was so sure of his love for her that she knew she could drug him and he'd still love her the next day. Sure, he'd be angry and he'd shout at her and tell her what a damn fool thing she'd done, but he'd still love her. How many women felt that sure of the men in their lives that they could do that? With Donald, she was always trying to please him, but with Michael, just being herself seemed to please him.

Ganyan ang gusto kong lalaki. Although it's fiction and is never likely to happen in real life, it is my "suntok sa buwan."

Trial

There Are Things To say

But I can’t

Therefore I will be silent

And let the wind pass by

Let it touch my hair

Let it hurt my eyes

Let it burn my skin

Let it be transient

And leave when it must

For there is no containing it

For there is no reason to

Hang On or Hang Him?

Last night, I was in an overnight research proposal marathon cramming at my groupmate's house in Cavite. As usual, we didn't get most of the things done because everybody was already beat up and sleepy. There was a time that Doc PT and I were trying our best not to fall asleep, so we were eating X.O. coffee-flavored candies. She already had three consecutively, I had five. So we were a bit woozy and 'high' due to the combined potency of sleepiness and caffeine.

Doc PT started talking about having a fight with her boyfriend just recently. She then asked Twin, who was listening intently with me, "Ikaw Twin, kamusta na?" My groupmate started talking but couldn't continue and ended up with tears in her eyes. It was, as usual, a boyfriend problem. One that was about a boyfriend leaving the girlfriend hanging, "Like putting me in a shelf so that he can fix everything in his life first and then when it is over, he can pluck me right off it and expect me to be there" kind of thing.

So there was Twin, crying while relating her story , and Doc PT rushing to her side and comforting her (while crying silently herself because she could relate to that situation). And there I was, across the two of them, nodding when necessary, frowning when necessary, smiling when something funny was said. But honestly, I could not relate AT ALL to what they were feeling and what they were saying.

I was asking myself, while trying to listen to them and not fall asleep, why don't I feel the least affected that this person is hurting because of someone she loves? When I already had experienced being hurt because of *hack* chorva luv?

It must be because I've never stood in that position wherein I love a person and the person loves me but then there comes this time where he will suddenly brush me off like I'm a nuisance or a gnat. Kase, baka masapak ko ang aking hypothetical boyfriend kung gawin nya sa akin yan. =) It must be because, yes, I've never had a boyfriend. Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to understand why Twin would still call her boyfriend a million times when it was obvious he didn't want to talk to her. Maybe that's why when Doc PT looked at me, while she was wiping her tears, I had dry eyes. Because in my current belief system, if ever, I know I won't be running after the guy. If ever I will, it would be with a chainsaw in my hand intent on cutting his neck. =)

Ang lagay sa akin eh, ganun ba talaga yun? Pero syempre nasasabi ko ito dahil nga wala ako sa position nila. Kasi ako, hindi naman ako iniwang 'hanging by a moment.' Ako yung umalis at never naman akong sinuyo tapos biglang nawala yung constant attention. Kaya't malakas akong humirit sa sarili ko na "NO way, Jose!" sa pag-hagilap sa hypothetical boyfriend. Pero hindi nga, I don't think I have the patience to do what Twin did (the calling of and trying to understand the A-hole BF). Kaya nga wala akong boyfriend at ayoko munang magka-boyfriend. Wala akong pasyensya. At ayoko na ng iniiyakan ang lalaki. Nagsawa na, for now, yung tear ducts ko.

Sabi nga ni Doc PT sa akin "You're lucky you're not in our shoes yet." Hay dear, wala pa akong balak isukat yan. Pihikan ang feet ko. =)

Bugger

So this is how it feels like to be Bridget Jones. In social gatherings (such as the one I attended last Friday), people are starting to ask if other people have that ELUSIVE significant other already. As if it is a requirement, like a college degree, that one has to acheive, attain, conquer. And if such individual questioned answers inappropriately: meaning she/he has not yet met such requirement, then one is either looked down as a failure, made to feel like an unattractive microbe, or becomes the endless END of relationship jokes. We ARE getting old.

Wish Ko Lang

I am lifting MY rule of not talking about him. Because now, I can remind myself of him all I want and it would not hurt anymore.

I got to see Sean again tonight (or more technically, last night) when our block had our spur-of-the-moment dinner. As usual, I was all "I'm not going to talk to you unless I need to." =) I guess I was afraid that if I let my guard down, I might go back to that vicious cycle of mine and start feeling all mushy and go ga-ga over the guy again. I am aware enough that I'm not yet above that so I was very much 'shields-up.'

But after the initial kaba was over, I suddenly found my situation funny. Especially when we accidently ended up sitting next to each other. Ofcourse, I still did not speak to him, due to the above-mentioned reason. But thankfully, I was no longer the jumpy wreck that I would have been if it were last year when I was still bugged over him. I was actually smiling to myself, and started remembering all that we did, all the stupidity I did, and all those things that happened which at the time felt like it was hell on earth but now just seemed all too crazy. Parang telenovela. ^__^;

I don't exactly know why I found my situation funny. Maybe it's because everything just seemed too ironic. I tried my best for the last few hours to avoid him, and then we end up in that peculiar and awkward position where we both don't want to be in (obviously). And with Jason to complete the triangle we made in that table corner. Hehe, talk about getting LITERAL. =D I was worried of what Olive would think when she comes and see us. But I deduced that the two of them already had some understanding and I knew that it wouldn't be a big deal anymore.

When we were about to leave Marga's place, standing in that historic doorway of 10k2, Sean said good-bye to all of us. That meant including ME. As I was sitting semi-comfortably in the FX on my way home, I remembered a similar incident at MusicOne last March wherein I was the one who acknowledged him first.

I guess we would just have to stay that way for now, making baby steps. I felt that familiar tug, that regret in my chest that could mean so many things but I know says only one: I regret not talking to him tonight. It feels sad because in giving into that urge to finally do that, it would put us to that track where we can be friends again. I felt that pull a couple of times all throughout dinner, where I wanted to just turn to him and ask "Kamusta na?" with the tone and sincerity of a long lost friend.

I hope that someday, we will find ourselves sitting next to each other again and this time talking about things without the baggage of awkwardness, reservation, and misconceptions anylonger. I truly wish we'd finally stop passing that stupid ball of relenting and move on. In other words, I hope we finally cut this bullshit and start over as friends. =)